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[16 Apr 2004|05:48am] |
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so, i don't know. i don't much like writing in this journal anymore because of certain reasons. so, i made a new journal. a friends only journal. and i think that you should add me. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) begoodtome <--- that would be the new journal, so get to adding.
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| it's always you in my big dreams... |
[30 Mar 2004|02:04am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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ever get really "hurt" and you're not able to find the reason why? that happened earlier. it seemed like everything would just make me tear up and i hate when i get like that. i put on this face like i'm really strong when i know i'm not. it's just how i keep myself from falling. but anyway... i'm sitting there talking to tiffany and all of the sudden, my eyes fill with tears? i didn't understand it at all. and then, after racking my brain, i realized just how alone i am. i have no friends here. not anymore anyways. and the only time i do is when dick and balls aren't involved. it really sucks ass. and then, it hurts that the people who i most want to hang out with either live too far away in the same state, or they live halfway across the country. i have some of the best friends ever, but it's not the same as actually seeing them and being in their lives in a real way. i don't know what i'm writing. i'm just really confused and mixed up right now. i guess what i'm trying to say is: i want some real friends who don't toss me out like last night's garbage when they have someone significant in their lives. and as of now, it seems like i'm not gonna find that.
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| 'cause you & i both know... |
[28 Feb 2004|09:03pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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do you ever just feel annoyed with everything around you? that's how i am right now. i'm usually a pretty laid back person & i don't let much get to me, but for some reason... everything's getting to me right now. it started yesterday when i was woken up by cody screaming for his mom. & then... same thing today. i didn't even fall asleep until about 4am & the dogs woke me up by crying at 6. i fell back to sleep around 7, i think... & cody was here at 8, waking me up. off & on all day that happened too. i finally gave up at like 10:45 & what happens? the second i give up & stay awake, he goes outside & stays outside for three hours. i swear, i got somad. so anyway... i decided that after i ate lunch, i was gonna go into david's room & sleep for a couple hours. i laid down at 2 & got up just before 6. when i wake up, there's cody. i mean, it sounds like i absolutely despise the kid & i don't... he's just the type that you have to be in the moodfor. so anyway... i'm online, talking to people, & he comes in here & starts bothering me. i'm asked if i wanna go to the dollar store & 99ยข store with them. i say yeah, & cody tags along. perfectly fine... i figured that. anyway, we're walking through the store (i left everyone else so i could look myself) & cody starts following me. *sigh* he's 7, by the way... & he thinks i'm his girlfriend. um... no. it was cute at the beginning & now it's just annoying. but yeah... i'm annoyed. & i don't like it. someone help me?
btw, like the new look of the journal? i decided to change it last night because well... the whole drum thing wasn't working. & plus, why use jake's drum picture when we broke up & he obviously doesn't care about me anymore. it's all good. i'm done.
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| don't worry... i'll catch you |
[06 Feb 2004|11:24pm] |
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 bored |
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this is a little something i wrote. i'm thinking that i may get a blank valentine's card and write this inside of it for jake. is that a good or bad idea? now, i know i'm not the best writer ever. in fact, this is the first "poem" i've written in close to two years, so i'm sure i'm a bit rusty. but, here goes nothing...
there you are -- 020604
it was a cold, lonely place, and then there you were. shooting out of the sky like a star lighting the milky way. a dream in hand and a body in place, that's where you were. it was cold and dreary and i had no one to run to you. but there you were. like that star, you came into my life and you made it bright. brighter than i'd ever known possible. brighter than i'd ever dreamed. there you were. and now, there you are. you hold my hand and you never let go. and when i get sad, you run your hand across my cheek and let me know that you feel what i feel. and when i need to know that you feel the same way i do... there are your lips. you make me feel high. higher than i've ever been, consumed by joy that i've never felt. you are... my every thought. you are my every dream. and there you are. you've taken over me and i'm afraid that all of this is gonna end. that my now bright world is gonna go back to being that cold dreary place. that my opened heart is gonna go back into a cocoon and stay there. but for right now, you're beside me. you're behind me. you're in front of me. there you are. for how long, i have no clue. but for now... i'm not gonna think about it. because... there you are.
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| come on sweet catastrophe... |
[06 Feb 2004|10:46pm] |
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lethargic |
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*gasp* yes, it's me. i'm updating since i re-did my journal. sure, i loved the other layout and all... but i got tired of it, too. so here's this one. pretty spiffy, huh? the drumset in the picture is actually jake's. too bad you can't see the coloring really well since i nuked the pic. but yeah.
also, if you like reading this journal... add my other journal to your friends list. _entangled. that journal is no holds barred, anything said, goes. i'll tell a whole lot more in that one than i do in this one, since that one's friends only. but yeah... get to it. i'll have a better update later tonight... maybe.
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| you sing a song while sittin' at a red light... |
[19 Jan 2004|01:16am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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i'm so tired. i ended up going to trisha's this weekend and all we did was sit around because jess is blah. we were supposed to go to the movies, but she decided to go with her friend emily instead. and like 2 or 3 times i wanted to come home because i started missing jake and he wasn't calling me on trisha's cell like i asked him to. i talked to him for like 5 minutes last night though and he told me he busted his lip playing paintball. sucks pretty badly, so if he comes to see me sometime this week, i doubt there's gonna be a kiss. um... oh yeah, jess's dog (coincidentally named jake) jumped in my lap and i was like, 'dammit jake, get down." and he was like, "i'm not up." well, he was at his friend's house and his friend's wife overheard, so she was like, "WHAT are you guys talking about?" funny stuff. okay, so fast forward to today. i came home. then, tonight i went to old navy and target. on my way home, jake ended up calling me. he was like, "hey, remember when you called me the other night and left me a message telling me to call you on trisha's cell?" so i was like, "yeah." he was like, "you didn't leave me trisha's #... you left me my own." i thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. so he played it for his friends and they think it's the funniest thing ever. they probably all think i'm blonde or something. haha.
and since i'm bored...
( here's a survey. )
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| your touch it always sets me free... |
[14 Jan 2004|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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so things with jake are going pretty awesomely. he came over yesterday [tuesday] and we watched pirates of the caribbean. we were gonna watch either SWAT or the september sessions as well, but he had to head back to base so he could clean his room for inspection today. when he left, i got two hugs and he kept staring at my lips. i knew he wanted to kiss me... and i wanted to kiss him too. so, i'm screaming at myself inside my head, "c'mon renee, just do it. grow some balls and kiss him!" and i didn't... so i was mad at myself. then, he called me last night and we talked for a while. i asked if he was going home [ventura] this weekend and he said no. then, he says, "i don't think i'm gonna be going home much anymore. it takes a lot to drive all the way down there and all the way back. plus, i have something else to keep me here now." and being the smartass i am, my response is, "oh, paintball?" he was just like, "ha. nice one, but no. you." so yeah. then, today he'd sent me an email. i've noticed the past couple times he's sent me e-mails, they've ended with "yours, jake", but i didn't think anything of it. then, he did it again today. so, i asked if he was mine and then i ended mine with "yours... if you want me, renee". i barely checked my email a bit ago and he wrote back. the subject title was: Hi mine. and then, inside the e-mail, he said, "yes, i'll be yours." so, i'm a bit confused... but i think that means he's my boyfriend? kinda cool because i really like him. and it's even cooler because he's coming to see me again tomorrow.
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| i don't wanna live like my mother... |
[11 Jan 2004|08:24pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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my new year's sucked so bad. not only was i alone with no one to kiss, but i had to witness chad michael murrary kiss sophia bush. so not cool.
the days have progressed nicely though, i guess you could say. i hung out with my friend, jake, last night and i really think this might be headed somewhere. i'm never lucky when it comes to boys. it seems like all they ever want me for is to break my heart. and it's weird because i always have to initiate everything after the first time we hang out. but no, not in this case. he texted me this morning and was like, "so, when do i get to see you again?" i wrote back and said, "i was gonna ask you the same thing." so, he's coming over tomorrow and we're gonna watch movies. it should be lots of fun. i'm quite excited... he rocks.
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| i got time to wait for tomorrow... |
[31 Dec 2003|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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yeah, so it's new years. hopefully no one's so drunk they can't see straight. as for me, i'm sitting home watching tv. it sucks being single, but eh... whatever. i'll just kiss toby at midnight. toby'd be my dog for those who don't know. oh yes... and pray for me. my neighborhood's full of idiots that get excited and shoot guns off at the strike of midnight. they just don't get the concept of: what goes up, must come down. so yeah. i'm off.
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| i want to thank you... |
[29 Dec 2003|03:46am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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okay. so tonight i was talking to my friend, andy. he used to date my ex-best friend, jess, and i was the one who introduced them. so... long story short, i used to have a major crush on him. then, he got with jess, so i pushed that "crush" to the back of my mind. so anyways... back to tonight. i was talking to andy and we were flirting like we normally do. and then, it started to get... weird. here's part of the chat. of course, his screenname's been changed for privacy reasons.
andy: you should be more open with your feelings
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: feelings? what feelings?
andy: this tension between us
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: ahhh. lol
andy: you can't feel it?
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: lol. i don't know.
andy: you think if the circumstances were different, that you and i would get together?
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: what do you mean? like, what circumstances?
andy: i dunno
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: me either.
andy: like if i had feelings for you and not jessica
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: then yeah, possibly.
from there... he gets even more weird. he tells me he wants to move back to santa monica (he lives in arizona now) and he asks me if i'd be his roommate. here's more chat.
andy: i want to move back to santa monica really badly
andy: would you consider moving in with me?
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: hmm, maybe. i may be moving down that way with my friend tiffany in a year or two anyways.
andy: i was thinking more in 2004
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: ah, i dunno. i wouldn't wanna move unless i had the money to do it with.
andy: what if we did get together
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: ah. i dunno. it still wouldn't be fair of me to put you in that position.
andy: what position
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: me going there with no money, no job, not knowing how to drive, etc. that wouldn't be fair.
andy: i'm going to set up a job there for myself
andy: where have you worked before
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: nowhere. never had a job. i tried to get one for this xmas season, but no one ever called back.
andy: but you have a diploma?
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: yep, i do
andy: shouldnt be a problem
andy: i want to settle down
andy: i think you're the only one who could help with that
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: really? why do ya think that?
andy: cause thats how i've always seen you
ahh... weirdness. i got so confused and sort of freaked out at that point. i mean, this is andy for goodness sakes. he could mean anything by settling down. it's like - i wanna settle down, get married and look into having a family, or - i need to quit partying and doing stupid things. so my mind starts reeling and he keeps talking. more chat.
andy: what do you think
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: cool idea. i just wish i was more get up and go. i don't know if i'd be able to leave here. and then, if i did... there'd be plenty of people pissed off. well, more like one person.
andy: who
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: you know who
andy: no
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: jess
andy: why
andy: she has greg
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: still, thats how she is.
andy: oh well
andy: she'll get over it
andy: i want to be with someone who i don't have to worry about
andy: no drama
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: drama always finds me somehow.
andy: see with sarah its her parents, kelly with her flirting, leslie with her pills
andy: patricia with her family
andy: but i dont have to worry about that with you
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: my parents won't be so gung-ho about me going to santa monica though
andy: but you're old enough
C0L0RS x C0LLiDE: i know i am. it's just... hard to explain. i don't know if i'd even be able to go. i'd be worrying about too much being so far away from them. :-(
so yeah. then he was going home. the last two nights he's went to kinkos to get online and talk to me. and anyways... he was on his way home and he wanted to call me. my head's so jumbled right now. like, three years ago... i would have been so happy if this was happening. but now... there's lots more factors involved. sure, jess and i aren't really that close anymore, but there's still that friend rule. you don't date your friend's exes. then again, when they got together, she was aware of my crush on him. so, it's really confusing.
then, i know my parents aren't gonna go for it. on top of it... i don't wanna move in with him. i want my first experience living away from home to be with a girl friend, not a guy. especially not a guy who's thinking about "settling down" with me. but at the same time... i don't wanna hurt andy's feelings. he's really sensitive and he really is a cool guy when he wants to be. i just... don't know. he's supposed to call me today at 2, but i'm gonna have my mom tell him i'm asleep or something. i need a bit of time to think about this before i TALK to him. i mean, i know i'm not gonna move in with him... but the relationship aspect of it needs thought. blah. i don't know. someone help. like, how do i explain this to him without hurting him? he's been hurt way too much by jess... i can't do that to him too.
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| i'd give up forever to touch you... |
[27 Dec 2003|01:02am] |
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mood |
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cold |
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so i haven't updated in a few days and don't really ask me why. i guess it's just because i've been lazy. and then, yesterday, i felt really sick. then, today... i had a headache for most of the day. blah.
christmas was good though, i guess. i got money and the normal things. a body fantasies "white musk" set thingy, pajamas, a watch, 3 cd's and my mind is really blank right now. if i got anything else, i don't even remember it.
i think i'm going shopping later today (since it's technically saturday now...), so that should be something to look forward to. then, i can watch more of the degrassi marathon. should be a fun time. oh yeah.
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| randomness at its best... |
[22 Dec 2003|11:36pm] |
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this chat with tiffany just made my night. i haven't laughed this hard in a really long time, so i figured i would share. david's my brother, by the way.
Me: my bro saw and was like, "is she okay?"
Tiffany: hahaha
Tiffany: man. does he like sit next to the computer with you? i never know when he's there or not.
Me: hahaha. he has been tonight.
Tiffany: HI DAVID.
Tiffany: hahaha
Me: lmfao. he was like, "who's david?"
Tiffany: knowing my luck
Tiffany: he's not there anymore
Tiffany: and i'm looking like a dumbass
Me: lmfao. nope, he's here. lol
Tiffany: hahaha, whoo okay atleast he was there
Tiffany: even though he didn't ackowledge my HELLO
Tiffany: sheesh
Me: he wants to know who david is?
Me: lmfao.
Tiffany: i don't know ask renee. i hear he's some kid who lives with her
Tiffany: who just eats their food
Tiffany: she tells me he's really annoying actually
Tiffany: and he smells bad
Tiffany: mmhm.
Tiffany: i'm just kidding man i feel bad
Tiffany: hahahah
Me: lmfao. he was like, "i know that guy. he's stupid. he's a dumbass and he sleeps in my bed."
Tiffany: hahahaha
Tiffany: i hear he gets along with the dogs well
Tiffany: they say it's because he was raised by wolves!
Tiffany: is that just a rumor
Me: he said no, it's true. and he has fleas too.
Me: lmfao. my bro just scratched his neck. roflmao.
Tiffany: wow! my lord.
Tiffany: hahahaha
Tiffany: UH OH.
Tiffany: IT'S TRUE.
Tiffany: on second thought renee
Me: lmfao. oh gosh. he was just growling.
Tiffany: about me visiting
Tiffany: hmmmm...
Me: we'll give him a flea dip.
Tiffany: hahaha
Tiffany: alright
Tiffany: that should be fine then
Tiffany: lol
Me: hahaha
Tiffany: as long as he doesn't bite
Me: nah. he's pretty good with that. he's pretty tame and if he bites, it's just a nibble.
Tiffany: hahaha, woah now.
Me: lmfao
Tiffany: just tell him not to get all crazy on me.
Tiffany: and i'm cool
Me: i promise he won't start humping your leg
Me: lmfao
Tiffany: hahahaha!
Tiffany: good. yes that's good
Tiffany: that might freak me out a liiittle bit
Me: hahah. we have a spray bottle for those incidents.
Tiffany: hahaha i was thinking the same thing!
Tiffany: i was like shall i bring my own
Tiffany: but see now that it's all covered
Tiffany: i'm good
Me: hahaha. oh man.
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| you know you grew up in the 80s and early 90s if... |
[22 Dec 2003|11:09pm] |
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mood |
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high |
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1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word PSYCHE".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Aire"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handlebars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales".
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear...
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books. Ramona completed in 1st grade.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off...
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to! say "NOT" after every sentence.
it's kinda sad that 90% of those do pertain to me! ;x
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| the longest nightmare soon will come to an end... |
[22 Dec 2003|02:56am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
] |
yes. i changed my layout already. eh, it's a habit. i get to the point where i don't like it anymore and i change it. it's not that i didn't like the other one... i just got tired of such bright colors. oh well.
so today was okay, i guess. i have cramps pretty bad. or, i should say had. tiffany's like my savior and she told me about this wonder drug called midol menstrual complete. holy cow! i took some after i ate and like fifteen minutes later, my cramps went bye-bye. thank gosh.
oh yes... and that midol caused me to embarrass myself greatly in rite-aid. so, i'm walking towards the pharmacy and david was like, "did you get it?" i said yeah, turn towards him, and in this really loud voice, i'm like, "see. this is the midol that tiffany said works." i turned back around and i see these two, hot teenage guys standing at the pharmacy looking right at me. and it gets even better. we go up to the check-outs to get in line and the only line open is being ran by this hot guy. gah. so, trying to be smooth, i picked up some chocolate mint candies and tried to make my midol not-so-noticeable. but then, he calls for another checker since the line was getting so long and that woman saved my butt from total, utter, embarrassment. ah, good day. haha.
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| you look so fine that i really wanna make you mine... |
[20 Dec 2003|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
i have decided that i MUST go to starbucks all the time now. my mom, aunt, and i went tonight and the guy working the drive-thru was hot stuff. he reminded me of pierre from simple plan, but... less innocent looking, i guess. and he was leaning over the thing to hand my aunt the drinks and he was pretty much in the car with us. lmao. woo. and so we're pulling out of the drive-thru and my aunt and mom both looked at me. i was like, he was cute. and my aunt agreed with me! and then, we got home and my mom realized they didn't put peppermint in her hot chocolate like we asked for. i was like, lets go back. but we didn't. oh well. i'll go again... soon.
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| it's a secret no one knows... |
[18 Dec 2003|03:43am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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not only do boys stink, but they suck too. why can't i find a decent guy? just one... that's all i ask for. one normal boy. if you're santa and you're reading this... that's all i want this year. someone, save me.
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| i am nothing without you... |
[17 Dec 2003|03:12am] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
so tonight was sort of weird. i mean, the usual nonsense happened, of course. tiffany called me around 9 or so and we talked for an hour. well, we were quiet a lot of the time... and we both ate while we were on the phone. but then... i get back online. i accidentally signed into an old aim sn of mine and i noticed kevin online. he's an old friend of mine, from like a year and a half ago. i remember he came to my twentieth birthday party and he gave me a card with an apple on it, because he's random like that. so anyways... i really wanted to im him, but at the same time... i was scared. eh, don't ask me why, cuz i'm not sure of that answer myself. so finally, i asked tiffany what i should do and she told me to im him. so, i did. and he remembered me. but he says, "yes, i remember you. i broke my elbow on your fence!" man, i about died. i almost forgot about that until he refreshed my memory. to make a long story short... i was sick, so he brought me chicken nuggets from wendy's. (this was at around midnight, mind you.) the front gate was locked, so he decided he was gonna be all macho and jump the fence. let's just say... he made it, but his elbow smacked the fence on the way down, and he landed flat on his butt. i seriously felt so bad for the longest time after that. kinda funny that he remember me because of that incident though. but anyways... we caught up a bit. he's working two jobs and going to school, and he lives on his own with a roommate. our chat however, was cut short because he was busy writing a paper for school. i told him i'd leave him alone, but im him some other time if it was cool. his response was, "for sure. im me anytime you want." woop. i really missed him. that was my crazy night though.
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